Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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