I swear she didn't look like that last week.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
