home. puking in laundry basket.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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