There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
there's paper in my vomit.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
