if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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