remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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