so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
