Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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