At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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