It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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