omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
