I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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