I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
