Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
