i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
