Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
