So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
