Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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