How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
