I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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