Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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