I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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