It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
