So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
