so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
NoShamevember. You game?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
