btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
