I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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