New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
