we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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