Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
