Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
