My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
