god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Are my feet made of real feet?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
