i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
