i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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