Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
