We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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