I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
