its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
