I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
