So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
