Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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