My liver just broke up with me...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
