I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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