Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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