Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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