At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize