Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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