whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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