I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
True college students do jello shots in the library
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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