Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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