I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
