everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
