My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize