Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
