i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
