there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
